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[03 Apr 2008|02:41pm] |
[One] Who were your last 5 texts from?
Louis, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Dan.
[Two] Where was your profile picture taken?
I stole it from a web site.
[Three] What's your middle name?
Ashley.
[Four] Your current relationship status?
Engaged.
[Five] Does your crush like you back?
I hope so. We're going to get married.
[Six] What is your current mood?
Blah. I don't want to go to work in a couple hours.
[Seven] What's your mom's middle name?
Katy.
[Eight] What color shirt are you wearing?
A purple shirt from popeyes that says Bonefied Chicken!
[Nine] what did your girlfriend/boyfriend get you for Christmas?
Nothing. He was unemployed. Haha.
[Ten] If you could go back in time and change something, would you?
No. Everything I've done has got me to where I am now.
[Eleven] Where was the last place out of town that you went to?
Um... I went to Aurora last week.
[Twelve] What is your family doing this second?
My mom is at work my brother is at school, and the rest of them I have no idea.
[Thirteen] Something you do a lot?
Work.
[Fourteen] Do you have a fondness for gnomes?
I have a shirt with a gnome on it.
[Fifteen] Who can you tell anything to?
Johnny, Nickie. Sometimes Claire when I see her.
[Sixteen] Name someone with the same birthday as you?
I don't know anyone.
[Seventeen] When was the last time you cried?
Today.
[Eighteen] Where are you right now?
Home.
[Nineteen] If you could have one super power what would it be?
To heal. I'd make Johnny's pancreas work correctly.
[Twenty] What's the first thing you notice about the opposite/same sex?
Height, smile.
[Twenty-one] Who is your favorite celebrity train wreck?
i dont know
[Twenty-two] What is a theory that you believe?
Love. Is that a theory?
[Twenty-three] Favorite color?
Green.
[Twenty-four] What is one thing that annoys you on TV?
Ryan Cecrest.
[Twenty-five] Do you still like kiddy movies?
Sometimes.
[Twenty-six] What are you eating or drinking at the moment?
Was drinking chocolate milk.
[Twenty-seven] Do you speak any other language?
I can swear in spanish thanks to the mexicans at work and that's about it.
[Twenty-eight] What's your favorite smell?
Babies. And Johnny.
[Twenty-nine] Describe your life in 2 words?
Almost there.
[Thirty] Have any tattoos?
Yes.
[Thirty-One] What are you looking forward to the most?
Tomorrow. Day off!! And applying for our appartment.
[Thirty-two] What are you thinking about right now?
How close it's getting to me having to get up to get ready for work.
[Thirty-three] What should you be doing?
Taking a shower.
[Thirty-four] Who was the last person that made you upset/angry?
People I work with.
[Thirty-five] What are you listening to?
The TV. I'm watching Bringing Home Baby.
[Thirty-six] Do you like working in the yard?
No.
[Thirty-seven] Do you act differently around the person you like?
No. I'm more myself around him then I ever am.
[Thirty-eight] What is your natural hair color?
Really dark brown.
[Thirty-nine] What are you doing this evening?
Working.
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| i love him |
[06 Dec 2007|07:00pm] |
i love him. i love how i feel when he kisses me. i love how i feel when he touches my skin. i love how i feel when he tells me he loves me and i love how i feel when i tell him i love him. the feeling is wonderful. but i am so tired. i am exhausted to the point of confusion. it makes me question myself, and my feelings, and his feelings. i shouldn't. i shouldn't do that. because it's real. i know it's real. i love him. but i'm so drained. too much going on. i dont know how to fix it. i need to fix it all. i dont know how. i don't know what to do anymore. i can only do so much. my heart is breaking every day and i don't know how to fix that either. i want to wipe the slate clean. i want to force him to fix it. i want to force him to do this and to do that. why? so it's less on me. so i don't have to think. so i don't have to worry. i don't know what to do anymore. i keep trying. every solution i have falls down the drain like the back of an earring i loved so much that has disapeared into the depths of the sink. i love him. too much to deal with. too much hurt. to much sadness. i want to make it go away. i want to run away. i want to start fresh. i wish life was free. i want a new job and a new start. i want a new house and a new life. i want him with me. but i want it all new and clean and fresh and wonderful. just like i imagined it. he kept telling me soon. soon seems far far away. everything is piling up one on top of another and i am so overwhelmed. i can't breathe. i'm hearing noises. voices. i want to make those go away as well. i'm tired of hearing them. i know things will be okay. i want them to be. they have to be. i love him. i'm suffocating. i don't know what to do. i want to cry. the tears won't fall. they are stuck. all dried out? i can't be. they never fall. and when they do, it isn't long enough. they go away too quickly. too many things in my brain right now. my head is going to combust. i need help. i need someone to help me. i dont have anyone to help me. i have to help him. i have to help everything. i need to figure out how to fix it all. it will all be fixed. i can do it. i have to.
i love him.
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[19 Jun 2007|03:03am] |
some days she hates herself. everything she sees or does. there is pure hate. this girl that stares back at me when i look into the mirror. she hates herself, as i hate her. but most days, most days... this girl i see is composed and happy, there is a smile and a glint in her eye. but most days i know it's a game. a game of pretend. of make believe.
People want me to do great things, and I do not know how to please them. I don't know how to satisfy the needs of others. The things that people expect me to do. I don't feel like I am strong enough to complete this life that it seems people have planned for me. I just want to float along and do what comes to me. I want to be happy. I try to do what I feel I should, but behind it all I have a guilt. A guilt that I am disapointing the world. I feel as if this universe expects me to do everything different. Every choice I make is incorrect, and I am failing this class. I am being suspended. I tried so hard for so long I can't do it anymore. I don't want to be someone I'm not, I'm so tired of telling myself that I need to like or do this or that, only because I know that it is what I SHOULD like or need or do or want, etc.
some days she hates who she has become. she hates what she does, and how she does it. she hates her thoughts and feelings and wants to be someone else entirely. but most days, most days... she is only me.
And every day I realize more and more that I will never be able to completely make you disapear from my heart. I want to cut you out forever and not feel a thing. But I can't.
And every day I realize more and more that what I lost is what I want the most. Even though I know that it is the last thing I need right now, but deep down having it for that split second and loosing it before I could even grasp the thought, hurt more than anything in the world.
So much pain it was as if I lost a part of myself.
And you. You are something else.
I hope one day you can open your eyes and grow up. See what I do. Because I love you Right Now,
but Right Now won't always be Yesterday.
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[02 Apr 2007|02:53pm] |
i sit here on a couch, in a house that is considered to be my home.
and as i sit here i have an overwhelming feeling of homesickness.
i miss something but i can't seem to put my finger on what it is.
sometimes i think that i miss people or how things used to be,
and then i know that's not it.
i think about it more and more
and it hurts
but i'm not quite sure why
or what it is that hurts
but it does
i want to cry but i cant
i know if i eventually can
i probably wont ever stop
but maybe one day i'll be able to find whatever it is i need to make this feeling go away
maybe one day i will find whatever it is to make me feel like i am at home
and hopefully that day will be soon
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| a sad memory |
[27 Feb 2007|03:27am] |
|
One day :
you will be lost to me.
One day :
you will be but a sad memory.
One day :
i will look back and know
all you have become
.is.but.a.sad.memory.
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| emptyness inside me makes me feel everything |
[05 Feb 2007|01:32pm] |
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My mind is full of filth
Dirty thoughts no person should ever have to think.
My heart is full of mistakes
Mistakes that I will hold onto forever.
Each breath I take I remember
I remember you, and what we made.
Will it ever get easier?
Maybe one day my heart will heal
Maybe one day I will move on.
I wish you could help me get over you
and move beyond what we made,
together.
I know that you can't.
No one can.
No one but,
myself.
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| constant state of up and down feelings |
[04 Feb 2007|02:20pm] |
First comes the overwhelming feeling of guilt
It is stuck inside me
Deep in my gut.
I have no idea how to control it,
for it controlls me.
It eats at my insides
Making me feel empty.
I feel like I cannot breathe.
Second comes the overwhelming feeling of need
My heart feels what my brain cannot understand.
I want to say no.
I'm not sure there is anything in this world that can help
for my heart controlls me.
It is my everything
Just as you are.
And I need you to help me.
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| a sad obsession |
[04 Feb 2007|12:20pm] |
I look into your eyes and see my reflection.
It looks back at me.
My sad pathetic self.
So enthralled with your stare.
I realize how badly I need you.
My desire so thick, I want to crawl inside and taste you.
I am so taken and all I want is for you to need me too.
do i l o v e you?
love is so different than lust or desire.
My body l o v e s you.
It is captivated by the way you touch me
I need you to touch me
My days and nights depend on the feel of your hands over my skin.
Your skillful fingers tugging and pulling
Your lips on mine
Your teeth on my skin
I want you to hurt me
physically.
because nothing could be worse than the pain you have given me already.
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| exhale after inhaling |
[03 Feb 2007|01:54am] |
im trying to remember how to breathe
im trying to remember how to sleep
im trying to remember how to think
these things escape me
i take a deep breath
and i forget to let it out
i n h a l e
e x h a l e
i remember
sort of.
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| and i can smell the suffocation from across the room |
[01 Feb 2007|03:08pm] |
I am broken on the inside
I need to absorb you
and i will be fine
I need to be with you
maybe then i can move ahead
I am stuck in time
all I can see is yesterday
my concentration no longer exsists
I am here
i think.
I just want to see you.
I want to feel your comfort
everyone around me has been my world
everyone has been amazing.
but everyone is not you.
i need you to understand
i need you to feel
the confusion suffocating my thoughts
.help.me.breathe.
.make.me.disapear.
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| inside of me |
[01 Feb 2007|02:58pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 Lost |
] |
The feeling inside me grows with every moment and I can't seem to remember how to stay calm as my normal stance has disapeared.
I look okay
But I can deceive
Do you know the truth?
I am aching inside.
Knowing what was there
Knowing it could be gone
Is it my fault?
Should I have known?
Should you have known?
Could I have done something?
Could we?
And what do I do now?
You tell me it's okay.
You tell me it will be fine.
I know that.
But it doesn't make it go away.
It doesn't make it better.
It pains me from the inside out.
Down to my core.
I am broken.
I am gone.
Just as it is.
Just as you have been.
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| all in time |
[29 Dec 2006|01:12am] |
some days i wonder if i love you.
you are so beautiful
so wonderful
so peaceful
so perfect
some days i wonder if you love me
i wonder if you even see me
some days i know you see me
every day i see you
some days i wish i knew what i wanted
i wish i knew how to deal
i wish i knew what exactly you wanted
the one thing i do know
is that every day
i want you
i want to be with you
i want to see you
i want to touch you
i want to kiss you
and i want you to want this too
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| When Living Becomes A Privilege |
[26 Nov 2006|08:03am] |
There is so much to life that people seem to forget about.
Life is about so much more than just the next person you're going to share your bed with.
Or the next person that's talking shit,
Life is about exsisting.
Breathing.
Smiling and laughing.
Crying.
Learning.
Sharing.
Giving.
Taking.
Life is about living.
I've noticed that people get stuck in between a whole bunch of bull shit and forget how to live. They forget what exactly life has to offer and that there is so much more to it than a stupid immature crisis.
Webs of lies and cruel words can ruin a person.
I wish that people could learn to be up front with everyone. Why is it so difficult to be straight with the people you care about and even the people you may not know as well. Be truthful to yourself and the people around you. If you don't you only tangle yourself up in some rediculous web of meaningless bull shit.
Each day that you forget to live, a little bit of your life is taken away from you. Each day that you forget to laugh. Each day that you forget to smile. Each day that you forget to learn. Each day that you forget to share, give, take, and help someone. A piece of your life is taken away for every day you have like this. That time and day is completely gone and you won't ever get it back.
I hope one day people will see the big picture and not focus on the stupid shit. I hope that one day people will start focusing on the big picture and stop forgetting how to live.
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| and it's the simple realization that people lie that cuts me to the quick |
[25 Nov 2006|07:28am] |
So people lie. I think that every single person ever has probably told a lie or two, no matter who you are. Whether it be a tiny white lie, or a huge (black?) lie. People just lie. I don't believe that there is any way around this. You may be the most honest person in the world, and you will still lie about something. The fact that you may not think it's really a lie, doesn't matter. It probably is. Somewhere down the line, or somewhere up the line, you lied. Someone lied. Everyone lies.
Why do people lie?
To make another person feel better. To avoid the truth. To hide from the truth. To hide from yourself. To hide from other people. To protect someone. To protect yourself.
To just lie.
And so what?
Yeah. So what.
I miss you. I love you. I need you. I hate you. I cheated on you. I never cheated on you. You cheated on me. I stole that. No I didn't. You stole that. No way. She kissed him. He kissed her. They kissed eachother. No they didn't. I love him. He hates me. He loves her. She hates him. I lied. She lied. He lied. They lied. We lied.
I need sleep.
Maybe.
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| what a fucking tragedy |
[20 Nov 2006|03:22am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 Chill. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
No music. South Park. |
] |
She lays in bed at night and wonders if he ever thinks about her.
Her mind tells her he does not and even though her heart disagrees, deep down she knows it is true.
And sometimes she almost thinks otherwise.
Sometimes she almost knows that he thinks about her. If only it were true.
And I almost loved you.
Almost.
She sits at home and wonders if she can say too much.
What is too much, and when? How do you know?
How will she know when she has crossed that unapproachable line?
I just don't know anymore.
I just don't.
And what a fucking tragedy.
A person should not have to feel so much for someone who doesn't feel anything back.
It shouldn't be fair.
It isn't.
It shouldn't be allowed.
Yet it is.
What a sick and twisted joke.
And I think to myself,
God got drunk again last night.
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| teach me how to play this game because i have found it to be so incredibly hard |
[19 Nov 2006|06:05am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 exhausted |
] |
I think I was in love once.
Maybe twice or three times.
I think maybe I started to fall in love again.
But I stopped it. (can you stop it?)
What is falling in love?
.I.Haven't.The.Slightest.Clue.
Once I loved someone. In the way a 13 year old girl can love a boy. The thought of him made me smile and I got giddy at just the sound of his name. I had butterflies permanantly living in my stomach just waiting to be set free at the sound of his voice.
I was floating on a cloud.
And then things change. He disapears. And it hurts. It hurts So.Bad. The pain is excruciating.
Actually at first it was only anger, until I heard his voice. So detatched.
I want to know if it's really true. Had it all been a lie?
And when he comes back, every time he really comes back. You know it's only for a time. You know he'll be gone again. Each time you wonder how long this time is for. And it is harder and harder each time. But it never matters, does it? Because there is this little spot in your heart that he has claimed. It's there and occupies it always. It is impossible to clear it completely. Every time he leaves it's a little easier to adjust. The tears stop dropping, and eventually you stop falling for him each time.
You're only tripping a little bit now.
Once I thought I loved someone. And maybe I did. Maybe I just loved the thought of it. It seemed so perfect. It seemed so right. But you learn, don't you? It isn't perfect and it isn't right. And I yearn for that feeling of perfection and rightness again.
And once I started to fall for you. I loved you yes, but in a different way.
The need for you slammed into me so hard and unexpected I found it hard to breathe.
I am not a shy person.
I say what's on my mind.
With you it was different. That's how I knew. This time was bad.
And actually, you suck at this game worse than I do.
And I am done. I'm sick of this game and I don't want to play any longer. It's getting old and boring, and I'm tired. I want to sleep. I want to put it back in the box, and hide it. Yes hide it. In storage maybe, where I won't see it for a very long time. Why? Because I know I can't get rid of it completely. It is forever ingrained inside me.
And because of this the most inteligient words I can think to say on this subject at the moment would have to be,
Fuck.
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[01 Nov 2006|07:17pm] |
Some days.
Some days I know I should be doing something, and then...
I don't.
I know I should be feeling one way, and then...
I don't.
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| Perfection |
[26 Oct 2006|10:16pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 contemplative |
] |
Still a baby girl. Only seven or eight.
So full of energy, so full of sweetness.
Innocence controls her mind and body.
The disturbing terrors of the world have not yet tainted the beautiful freshness of her being.
I wish I could be this girl.Ugliness does not haunt her.
She is an angel. Beauty overcomes each life she touches.
So eager to learn, soaking up the world around her.
Through the eyes of a child everything is perfect.
Perfect-- what does it mean?
can perfection be defined?
I would ask her if I could. What does perfect mean?
Sterling. Pristine. Excusite. Without flaw.
If someone was to put a dent in the word perfection, would the world come crashing down?
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[25 Oct 2006|12:23am] |
Your bitter sweet taste lingers on my tounge
and I can still feel the touch of your calloused fingers against my skin.
I know that you are gone.
Can you feel me against you?
Days long past remain in memory.
I know you remember.
I breathe your scent as I sleep.
You are everywhere.
But I know that you are gone.
Mind. Body. Soul.
I am over you and yet,
there will always be a piece of you insde me.
A love that will never deminish
for you were the first to claim it.
But I know that we are gone.
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| Words. |
[23 Oct 2006|05:09pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 cold |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
TV |
] |
Small things no longer captivate you.
You learn to p.r.o.c.e.d.e.
You learn to ignore.
You learn to lie.
You long for a life of oneness.
A life you need to live.
When you're alone and all doors are opened.
You can laugh at yourself and read aloud.
Smile at nothing at all.
It's wonderful.
Clothes are meaningless and you are free.
To be free is a beautiful thing.
To feel free.
You want to soak in the feeling.
Bask yourself in the wanting.
In the need for this life that you will never learn to love,
for you must learn to love a lie.
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